Culture of Character

I've been slowly reading through Charlotte Mason's book, Formation of Character, for about a year now. Despite the fact that this book was written over a hundred years ago, her thoughts on the development and nurturing of children, and the shaping of their personalities, are timeless, practical and wise.

 '...many a peevish, jealous, exacting woman owes the shipwreck of her life to the fact that nobody in her youth taught her to think reasonably of herself and of other people.'

How do we teach our children to think reasonably of themselves?

Teaching our children to think reasonably of themselves requires them to have a proper perspective of others as well as themselves.
Last week we read in Ourselves (Book 1, pg. 144) about how to get this perspective:

Candour (openness, impartiality) is at our side, and presents us with glasses of unusual power, to bring far things near and make dim things clear. Wearing these, we can see round the corner, to the other side of the question. 

When our eldest was about nine years old, we discovered she was short-sighted and needed glasses. As we were driving home from the Optometrist after she got her new glasses, she kept up a running commentary on everything she was seeing clearly for the first time. She'd never complained about not seeing clearly and never had any trouble reading but when she put on her new glasses we realised that her vision had been only partial.

Prejudice also hands us some glasses...

...but these are not clear and open to the light of day, but are rose-coloured or black, green or yellow, as the case may be. We cannot see persons as they are through these spectacles...affection, envy, hatred, or jealousy creates a prejudice in our minds, through which we cannot judge justly of the character of another.

Sometimes our own prejudice towards our children renders us incapable of helping them gain a right perspective. Our spectacles are made ineffective by affection and we judge unjustly, perhaps shifting the blame for our children's faults to others. In this we do them an injury and we neglect to show them that they are able to use their wills to shape their character and personality.

We know that what we do or say matters less than what we will; for the Will is the man, and it is out of many acts of willing that our character, our personality, comes forth. 
(Ourselves: Book 2,  Pg 165)

I'm taking these well-loved and frequently quoted words by Charlotte Mason and putting them in a slightly different context, but one which I think fits with her overall philosophy:

The question is not, - how much does the youth know? when he has finished his education - but how much does he care?
(Volume 3 pg 170)

Our children have read great books - classics, living books.
They've kept detailed nature notebooks and appreciate the beauty of the natural world.
They are familiar with great works of art and classical music.
Their minds are furnished with poetry.
They've had a generous education and they know a great deal.
But do they care for others as much as they care for themselves?
Have they been taught to think reasonably (ie. have a sound judgement) of themselves?

...I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement.
Romans 12:3

Do they have a proper perspective of others?

One of the keys to the practical aspect of how we teach this is found on page 262 where Charlotte Mason quotes a poem by by James Henry Leigh Hunt (1784-1859) and connects it to love and service:

"Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase)
Awoke one night from a deep trance of peace,
And saw within the moonlight of his room,
Making it rich and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,––
'What writest thou?' The vision raised his head,
And in a voice, made all of sweet accord,
Answered, 'The names of all who love the Lord!'
'And is mine one?' Ben Adhem asked. 'Nay, not so,'
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, '
But cheerful still,––' I pray thee, then,
Write me as one who loves his fellow-men.'
The angel wrote and vanished. The next night
He came again, with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo! Ben Adhem's led the rest"

"Write me as one who loves his fellow-men!" is, indeed, the cry of the earnest-minded amongst ourselves; and to qualify (our child) for some definite line of service...to give (them) some object in life beyond (themselves) and having no bearing on (their) own advancement, is, perhaps, the kindest and wisest thing the mother can do for (them).

Giving our children something to do which doesn't pander to self - something that pushes them beyond their own interests, regardless of how unwilling they may be at the time, does pay dividends later on.
I used to get upset if my children were unmotivated about serving but it takes time, encouragement and maturity for our children to develop in these areas. We've had commitments short term and long term that required our children's involvement. Sometimes they were willing but often there was complaining & poor attitudes, but the work got done. It didn't kill them, and now some of them are older and work full time and willingly serve and have their own responsibilities. Somewhere along the way they acquired their own motivation to serve. I seriously doubt they would have developed this if we'd let them off the hook when they didn't feel like exerting themselves.

For it is only in doing, that we learn to do; through service, that we learn to serve...

Talk to any tradesman who employs apprentices and discover how difficult it is to find a young person who is reliable and will put in a decent day's work even when they're being paid to do it.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men...It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 
(Colossians 2:24)

Quotes from Formation of Character are taken from between pages 239 to 262.

 In my Commonplace...

Formation of Character - forming opinions, toxic environments

Parents sometimes forget that it is their duty to give their children grounds for sound opinions upon many questions which concern us as human beings and as citizens; and then they are scandalised when the young folk air audacious views picked up from some advanced light of their own age and standing. But they will have views; the right to have and to hold an opinion is one of those points on which the youth makes a stand.

Formation of Character by Charlotte Mason, Pg 228

In Part III of the above book, Charlotte Mason is addressing the relationship between home and school life and aspects of discipline and training pertaining to both. The passage above was included under 'Table-Talk'which she believed afforded parents 'their best opportunity of influencing the opinions of the young.'
There is some very good advice regarding opportunities for parents navigating the years during which children are forming their opinions. Her view is that young people are trying to construct a chart to steer by. They want to know what to do and they also want to know what to think about everything.

But it's not our duty to think for our children...

A few parents are unjust in this matter. It is not only the right, but the duty of the growing intelligence to consider the facts that come before it, and to form conclusions; and the assumption that parents have a right to think for their children, and pass on their own views unmodified upon literature and art, manners and morals, is exceedingly trying to the young; the headstrong resent it openly, the easy-going avoid discussion, and take their own way.

'Table-Talk' worked well when all our children were all still homeschooling and life was more regular. Now we have older ones often absent at mealtimes - occupied with evening classes, Bible studies, meetings or sport. It's not always easy to have those conversations but I know they are still very important.

Many parents assume that once a young people reaches the age of 18 years, their work is done but the years from around this this age on need as much care (and prayer!) just in a different way, to previous years. I've heard enough sad stories of young people who seemed to be fine until they reached their late teens and even early twenties. There are so many important decisions to be made during these years and new spheres of influence are felt. A weak foundation with unformed opinions won't stand the pressure.

We recently had a state election and my son who had just turned 20 was voting for the first time. On the way to the polling booth we were talking about an issue that on the surface didn't seem important. I explained to him what I thought and what the consequences might be if pushed to its logical conclusion.

He hadn't made that connection. His generation has grown up in an environment different to that of mine. He has been home educated all his life, loves the Lord, is active in Church and involved in leadership, and has some great friends. But the culture around him leaks its toxins into the atmosphere. We're all affected by this toxicity to a certain extent but there are things his generation have never questioned because they are 'normal' to them. Now that he is spending more time in that environment he unwittingly is affected by it.

I want to use every opportunity to help my young adults chart these waters. Mealtimes may not be practical but some of my best conversations with my young adults have occurred in the most unlikely places - when I've been sensitive enough to see the open door.

'For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive very thought to make it obedient to Christ.'

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Poetry as a Means of Intellectual Culture - Furnishing the Mind

'Poetry takes first rank as a means of intellectual culture. Goethe tells us that we ought to see a good picture, hear good music, and read some good poetry every day.

...fine poetry need not be understood to be enjoyed.

...the youth who carries about with him such melodious cadences will not readily be taken in with tinsel.'

Formation of Character by Charlotte Mason

I've been thinking about the inherent power of poetry. It isn't something that is immediately obvious, but over a period of time, a regular diet of good poetry furnishes our minds with beauty and is a means of acquiring intellectual culture.
Good poetry (even if isn't understood), stored up in our minds, also provides a safeguard.
When we appreciate true beauty, when the rooms in our minds are well-furnished, we won't be taken in by counterfeits. If we have a storehouse full of good things we're not going to be tempted by junk.

The first couple of verses of Proverbs 24 speak to me about filling or furnishing our minds with this beauty.

By wisdom a house is built,

and through understanding it is established;

through knowledge its rooms are filled (furnished)

with rare and beautiful treasures.

Poetry has been called heightened speech; thoughts so charged with emotion that they spontaneously seek a rhythmic expression.
There have been seasons in my own life where I could only express my thoughts by writing poetry. I was looking through a book I kept during one of these times and I was surprised at the intensity of some of what I wrote. This is one of my poems that isn't as emotionally charged as some of my others, so I'm more comfortable sharing it!

I've read poetry and it has tugged on my heart for some reason that was inexpressible to me.
Poetry has lifted my eyes above everyday concerns and given me encouragement and hope. It has caused me to seek virtue and not settle for just following the crowd.
Was it Socrates that said that wisdom begins with wonder?

C.S. Lewis in Reflections on the Psalms said:

It seems to me appropriate, almost inevitable, that when that great Imagination which in the beginning, for Its own delight and for the delight of men and angels...had invented and formed the whole world of Nature, submitted to express Itself in human speech, that speech should sometimes be poetry. For poetry too is a little incarnation, giving body to what had been before invisible and inaudible.

Poetry...a little incarnation...it makes me wonder.

Formation of Character: the awkward, critical stage

A Rocky Interlude, the Snowy Mountains, NSW

'Here we go again...'

I really thought my thoughtful and affectionate youngest son would skip the awkward stage but almost overnight, the change came.

I should have known.

Each of my children have gone through this 'awkward, critical stage,' as Charlotte Mason defines it, beginning around the age of about 14 years with the boys. It was less noticeable in the girls and occurred at a younger age and seemed to last a shorter time.

For a few years I felt I didn't get a break from the regular friction with the boys because one would just be finishing their awkward stage at the same time as another would be starting.

I used to think that my children were just stubborn or that I was doing something wrong. Or maybe it was because I was home schooling.

It wasn't until we had older children and people began to talk to us about their 14 or 15 year old who was being difficult or causing chaos at home that it sunk in that maybe our kids were normal. It happened with kids who went to school and those who didn't. And it turns out that this awkward, critical phase is not just a modern phenomenon.

Charlotte Mason wrote in her book, Formation of Character, Part III (published in 1905) that:

Indeed, this, of the growing boy or girl, is not only an awkward, but a critical stage of life. For the first time, the young people are greatly occupied with the notion of their own rights: their duties are nowhere. Not what they owe, but what is due to them, it is, that oppresses their minds. "It's a shame," "It's not fair," "It's too bad," are muttered in secret, when no one ventures to murmur aloud,––and this, with aggravating unreasonableness, and a "one-sidedness" which grown-up people can hardly understand. 

I wasn't so surprised that a couple of our boys went through this stage, but I wasn't expecting the youngest of them to do so. It was so unlike his usual compliant, easy-going attitude - as if someone came one night and swapped him for another.

But this tiresome behaviour does not arise from any moral twist in the young people...

At the same time, I noticed a heightened sense of justice. They could be blindly loyal at times and not see what was obvious to other, more experienced eyes. Sometimes I was worn out with their aggressive, argumentative logic and was convinced they would all end up becoming lawyers.

So what do you do??

Charlotte Mason continues:

What they want, is, to have their eyes opened that they may see the rights of others as clearly as their own; and their reason cultivated, that they may have power to weigh the one against the other.

This aggressiveness is not mere naughtiness.

"Phew!"

They must be met on their own ground. Care must be taken not to offend their exaggerated sense of justice as to all that affects themselves. They must get the immunities they can fairly claim; and their parents must be at the trouble to convince them, with good humour, when they are clearly in the wrong.

The good humour part is decidedly difficult but it does work.

One thing I tried to do was to avoid confronting a situation while it was heated. One of my children had a quick temper and it was pointless addressing a situation while he was in high dudgeon. He needed some time to cool off and think about his behaviour. He was usually very humble after a little reflection...

It was then I had the opportunity to teach into the situation but I had to be disciplined enough to follow through and not let the moment pass.

Loving parents sometimes fall into the trap of child-centred parenting. By that I mean that the child's needs and wishes are of prime importance to the parent. But allowing a child to fix attention on himself to the exclusion of others creates an exaggerated self-love:

It rests with the parent to turn the attention from self to other people, and the affections will flow in that direction to which the attention is turned...

No home can be happy if a single member of it allow himself in ugly tempers and bad behaviour.

"Teach me to feel another's woe,

To hide the faults I see;

That mercy I to others show,

That mercy show to me..."