Formation of Character - forming opinions, toxic environments

Parents sometimes forget that it is their duty to give their children grounds for sound opinions upon many questions which concern us as human beings and as citizens; and then they are scandalised when the young folk air audacious views picked up from some advanced light of their own age and standing. But they will have views; the right to have and to hold an opinion is one of those points on which the youth makes a stand.

Formation of Character by Charlotte Mason, Pg 228

In Part III of the above book, Charlotte Mason is addressing the relationship between home and school life and aspects of discipline and training pertaining to both. The passage above was included under 'Table-Talk'which she believed afforded parents 'their best opportunity of influencing the opinions of the young.'
There is some very good advice regarding opportunities for parents navigating the years during which children are forming their opinions. Her view is that young people are trying to construct a chart to steer by. They want to know what to do and they also want to know what to think about everything.

But it's not our duty to think for our children...

A few parents are unjust in this matter. It is not only the right, but the duty of the growing intelligence to consider the facts that come before it, and to form conclusions; and the assumption that parents have a right to think for their children, and pass on their own views unmodified upon literature and art, manners and morals, is exceedingly trying to the young; the headstrong resent it openly, the easy-going avoid discussion, and take their own way.

'Table-Talk' worked well when all our children were all still homeschooling and life was more regular. Now we have older ones often absent at mealtimes - occupied with evening classes, Bible studies, meetings or sport. It's not always easy to have those conversations but I know they are still very important.

Many parents assume that once a young people reaches the age of 18 years, their work is done but the years from around this this age on need as much care (and prayer!) just in a different way, to previous years. I've heard enough sad stories of young people who seemed to be fine until they reached their late teens and even early twenties. There are so many important decisions to be made during these years and new spheres of influence are felt. A weak foundation with unformed opinions won't stand the pressure.

We recently had a state election and my son who had just turned 20 was voting for the first time. On the way to the polling booth we were talking about an issue that on the surface didn't seem important. I explained to him what I thought and what the consequences might be if pushed to its logical conclusion.

He hadn't made that connection. His generation has grown up in an environment different to that of mine. He has been home educated all his life, loves the Lord, is active in Church and involved in leadership, and has some great friends. But the culture around him leaks its toxins into the atmosphere. We're all affected by this toxicity to a certain extent but there are things his generation have never questioned because they are 'normal' to them. Now that he is spending more time in that environment he unwittingly is affected by it.

I want to use every opportunity to help my young adults chart these waters. Mealtimes may not be practical but some of my best conversations with my young adults have occurred in the most unlikely places - when I've been sensitive enough to see the open door.

'For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive very thought to make it obedient to Christ.'

2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Formation of Character: the awkward, critical stage

A Rocky Interlude, the Snowy Mountains, NSW

'Here we go again...'

I really thought my thoughtful and affectionate youngest son would skip the awkward stage but almost overnight, the change came.

I should have known.

Each of my children have gone through this 'awkward, critical stage,' as Charlotte Mason defines it, beginning around the age of about 14 years with the boys. It was less noticeable in the girls and occurred at a younger age and seemed to last a shorter time.

For a few years I felt I didn't get a break from the regular friction with the boys because one would just be finishing their awkward stage at the same time as another would be starting.

I used to think that my children were just stubborn or that I was doing something wrong. Or maybe it was because I was home schooling.

It wasn't until we had older children and people began to talk to us about their 14 or 15 year old who was being difficult or causing chaos at home that it sunk in that maybe our kids were normal. It happened with kids who went to school and those who didn't. And it turns out that this awkward, critical phase is not just a modern phenomenon.

Charlotte Mason wrote in her book, Formation of Character, Part III (published in 1905) that:

Indeed, this, of the growing boy or girl, is not only an awkward, but a critical stage of life. For the first time, the young people are greatly occupied with the notion of their own rights: their duties are nowhere. Not what they owe, but what is due to them, it is, that oppresses their minds. "It's a shame," "It's not fair," "It's too bad," are muttered in secret, when no one ventures to murmur aloud,––and this, with aggravating unreasonableness, and a "one-sidedness" which grown-up people can hardly understand. 

I wasn't so surprised that a couple of our boys went through this stage, but I wasn't expecting the youngest of them to do so. It was so unlike his usual compliant, easy-going attitude - as if someone came one night and swapped him for another.

But this tiresome behaviour does not arise from any moral twist in the young people...

At the same time, I noticed a heightened sense of justice. They could be blindly loyal at times and not see what was obvious to other, more experienced eyes. Sometimes I was worn out with their aggressive, argumentative logic and was convinced they would all end up becoming lawyers.

So what do you do??

Charlotte Mason continues:

What they want, is, to have their eyes opened that they may see the rights of others as clearly as their own; and their reason cultivated, that they may have power to weigh the one against the other.

This aggressiveness is not mere naughtiness.

"Phew!"

They must be met on their own ground. Care must be taken not to offend their exaggerated sense of justice as to all that affects themselves. They must get the immunities they can fairly claim; and their parents must be at the trouble to convince them, with good humour, when they are clearly in the wrong.

The good humour part is decidedly difficult but it does work.

One thing I tried to do was to avoid confronting a situation while it was heated. One of my children had a quick temper and it was pointless addressing a situation while he was in high dudgeon. He needed some time to cool off and think about his behaviour. He was usually very humble after a little reflection...

It was then I had the opportunity to teach into the situation but I had to be disciplined enough to follow through and not let the moment pass.

Loving parents sometimes fall into the trap of child-centred parenting. By that I mean that the child's needs and wishes are of prime importance to the parent. But allowing a child to fix attention on himself to the exclusion of others creates an exaggerated self-love:

It rests with the parent to turn the attention from self to other people, and the affections will flow in that direction to which the attention is turned...

No home can be happy if a single member of it allow himself in ugly tempers and bad behaviour.

"Teach me to feel another's woe,

To hide the faults I see;

That mercy I to others show,

That mercy show to me..."

Large Family Homeschooling

When I was in the thick of things I never had the time to put my thoughts or what I did into writing. I wanted to write these things down before I started forgetting what home education looked like when I had a multitude around my feet.

The big advantage to teaching your children at home from the very start is that you grow into homeschooling and you're not suddenly faced with having to teach three or four different grade levels while still having to care for a toddler and a baby. The children get used to having a routine, helping out around the house and get a head start with the process of self-education.

I've had a number of friends whose children had spent time at school and home education looked different in their homes, although there are some common ground areas large families share. What I'm writing here is my experience, in the context of being responsible for a large family, of how I handled a span of ages and stages, the high school years and the longevity challenge.

Since the middle of this year I've only had my youngest two to teach as our eldest five have now graduated. A year and a half ago I was teaching our youngest four and it's been somewhat of a shock to suddenly realise that I'm down to the last two, although I still have another nine or so years to go. The dynamics are different this year compared to previous times, but in essence what I do hasn't changed much at all. What was put in place at the beginning has been our foundation and it has stood up under the wear and tear and change.

So out of the depths here is a smattering of randomness (in no particular order) of things that have worked or haven't; words that have encouraged me; things I've learnt; musings and my own opinions born out of personal experience.

Philosophy:

Why am teaching my children?

We had almost zero encouragement to homeschool when we first started. If I hadn't known the 'why' - that this was what God was pleased to have me do, I wouldn't have lasted. Opposition strengthened me and even though I felt hurt by it, it forced me to lean into God and make sure I had His approval.

Will my philosophy enable my children to be initiators or will it encourage them to be passive?

Are my children learning to make the effort to learn for themselves?

Will my philosophy of education produce the end result I want to see in my children?

The outcome of how we teach our children isn't always obvious in the early stages. We often want to see instant progress but educating our children is like sowing a seed and it takes time to develop and blossom. It is an act of faith. I look at my adult children and see not just what my husband and I sowed into their lives but something unique that we didn't put there.

All seven of our children have had, or are having, a similar education. They've read classic literature, Shakespeare, Plutarch; memorised Scripture & poetry, studied their various musical instruments; gained proficiency in maths; practiced writing; learned how to cook and do household repairs & renovations. The five eldest have all done very different things: three went to university, one has embarked upon a cadetship and the youngest had just started a plumbing apprenticeship. We had no idea what vocation they would eventually follow but that was probably a good thing as we weren't tempted to confine their learning to certain parameters. Our young plumber in the making learnt some valuable lessons from Plutarch, gained good observational skills from nature study, played in an orchestra and loves the work he is doing now.

The Culture of Entertainment & Entitlement

I had a friendly argument a few years ago with another home educator who believed that education should be fun. That was her philosophy. If I taught my kids only what they wanted to learn or only what they enjoyed or found entertaining, they would probably be illiterate and I'd be exhausted.

One of my sons commented on the lack of motivation he sees in some young fellows of his own age. They spend their weekends playing computer games and expect opportunities to fall into their laps and aren't willing to work at something. A culture of entitlement feeds the idea that some work isn't worth the effort and is beneath them and makes me wonder what philosophy of education was behind their schooling.

Older children set the tone in the family - habits, attitudes, obedience, responsibility - if you get these things established in the older children the younger ones pick it up and make your job a lot easier.

Work ethic - a large family can be a great training ground. Lots of people make lots of work. I'm amazed that so many families don't expect their kids to pull their weight around the house. If our kids didn't help out this place would fall around our ears.

Routines:

My eldest was 4 years old when I started teaching her to read. I had a 2 year old and a newborn at the time. It only took a few minutes each day. I added in a little maths and piano that year and we continued to read aloud, something I'd started when she was very little.

We did this with the younger ones in the room and as we continued with this routine, the younger ones would be added in as they got a little older. It was a natural progression and I never had any of them not want to do 'their maths' or not want to listen to our read aloud.

We tended to homeschool all year round, taking holidays when my husband had time off plus a larger break over Christmas. If we were at home and Dad was at work, it was a 'school day' and they'd get on with Maths, reading, writing & music, first thing.

The older ones would get on with their individual work and I'd help the younger ones. At some time during the day we'd have devotions & memory work together and then read aloud time.

Now that we have older children with various commitments and activities it doesn't always work to homeschool year round but it made sense in the early years.

I've tended to pitch our read aloud times to the eldest, edit when necessary and include everyone. Sometimes the younger ones seemed to tune out, playing with their matchbox cars and Lego but it was surprising how much they absorbed.

Two thoughts have helped me many times:

1) I'll always have time for the things I put first - Even at my busiest times, everything was generally manageable if my priorities were right. Some things I had no control over - sickness for example, but that was just for a season even though it felt like an eternity at the time. Some things can be insidious and we don't realise how much time they are consuming. They might be perfectly worthy things in themselves but they've displaced the more important things and have stolen the time that should have been spent on them. A few times I've jotted down what I'm doing throughout the day in order to see how I've spent my time. It's incredible how quickly time gets chewed up just checking emails or looking up prices for products online. I've only been using the computer regularly in recent years but before that my time was often chewed up on the phone.

2) Do the next right thing - This was something I gleaned from Elisabeth Elliot's writing and my husband often quotes it to me. I have a type of paralysis that  keeps me from making decisions and acting on them at times. It all seems too much and I dither. This little thought gives me direction and helps me get over the hump.

Reading is foundational: 

If you can read well you can teach yourself just about anything. I was always serious about getting this nailed and most of my children learned to read without much drama between the ages of 4-7, except for one. I almost despaired of him ever being literate. He would have fallen through the cracks if he'd been in school but he was just late with everything. So reading aloud was high on my list with him and he didn't miss out on all the good books his siblings read. Out of all my children, he remembers the most poetry, Bible verses and plots of just about every story he'd heard. But I still pressed on with reading lessons and The Writing Road to Reading was a huge help.

If you're reading this and you have an older child who can't read or has great trouble doing so; if you are feeling overwhelmed, and especially if you have lots of other children, I'd highly recommend getting a Spalding tutor to help.

I've known a couple of lovely ladies who tutored the worse case scenarios in schools using this method and they always had success. I haven't done the course but I tutored a 12 year old boy from our church for a while just using the book. His mother was distraught with the lack of progress he'd made after years in special reading classes and this was more helpful to him than all the other stuff he'd been through.

Maths:

This is another foundational area. A little bit, every day and even the children that didn't appear to be mathematically inclined at first eventually became adept. When I realised I had a late reader I honed in on his maths and he was ahead in that subject for years until his reading caught up. It was something he could excel in, not because he was a maths whizz but because it was here a little, there a little, and he added to his proficiency each day. It also took away the sting of not being able to read.

I read an article once on homeschooled children and their weak spots and one of the points made was that home educated children weren't used to time limits. So I thought Maths speed drills were a good way to start to implement time limits - just a little thing, but it worked.

Timed essays came later in the high school years and these helped with brainstorming and getting their thoughts down quickly. Sometimes a little pressure helps get the creative juices flowing especially if you have a procrastinator on your hands.

Organisation:

I think this is overrated. I've known some very well organised people (on paper) but if all that planning doesn't translate into getting the job done, it's a waste of time. I'm all for improvement and making life easier but sometimes getting stuck into something without having perfectly executed plans makes more sense than trying to organise everything to the nth degree. Why use all your energy planning and have none left over for the implementation?

I was surprised one day when a friend shared her six year plan for one subject and I know for a fact that it was never implemented. But it was beautifully done...

I'm not a great planner and I'm not a naturally organised person. I am tidy, which helps. And I like my house to look pleasant and inviting. My lack of expertise in the organisational side of things has been overshadowed by other strengths, habits and routines and I don't get depressed over what I'm not good at.

My desire is to teach my children and to do it well. I work hard and I'm not lazy by nature.

Chaos is not good and demonstrates a mental state as opposed to an outward condition of physical disorganisation.

Other thoughts:

There was very little home school material in Australia for the first few years of our time homeschooling but I knew what a living book was, and we spent our money on building up a good library at home. And then building more book shelves...

Social Aspects:

I don't mean 'What about socialisation?' in the way it is usually implied. I want my children to be socially adept in any situation they find themselves in, no matter if they are introverted or extroverted by nature. I'm not worried about them specifically relating to their own age group. It's a non-issue as far as I'm concerned.

How do they treat children younger than themselves? Do they include others or cause division?

If there are new kids at church I expect my children to make them welcome. If we have a family with little kids come to visit I expect my older ones to find activities everyone can play. If we open our home for hospitality we ask all our kids to be home for the meal and help to make our visitors feel at home.

Our schools turn out a good many clever young persons, wanting in nothing but initiative, the power of reflection and the sort of moral imagination that enables you to 'put yourself in his place.' 

Charlotte Mason

 

Criticism:

I say this carefully - sometimes or our children will be criticised and there will be a grain of truth in it. My husband's outspoken Grandmother once made a comment to me about one of our children. I reacted inside but I knew she cared about her grandchildren and later on I saw past her bluntness and realised what she said was true. It was nothing earth shattering but one of my boys used to tease his younger sister who over-reacted. I'd only seen my daughter's reaction and was blind to what caused it. Sometimes someone outside of our immediate situation may see things we don't. However, there are some people whose criticism  I just don't take any notice of. If there's a trustworthy person who has your children's interests at heart their input could be valuable.

Mother Culture:

Keeping my mind active is important; reading, discussing ideas with older children.

It would seem as if we mothers often simply made for ourselves the difficulties we find in after life by shutting our minds up in the present. What we need is a habit of taking our minds out of what one is tempted to call "the domestic rag-bag" of perplexities, and giving it a good airing in something which keeps it "growing."

 Parents Review

I enjoy a good conversation over a cup of tea, talking about books or doing some patchwork & quilting alongside a friend. A good walk refreshes me and also some time out with my husband on our own. I enjoy having people I don't know over for a meal especially if it's on the spur of the moment because I do better with meal preparation if I don't have to think too much about it beforehand.

Having all my kids and the two new additions to our extended family (a son & daughter-in-law) all together with us is so much fun and gives us much pleasure.

I don't think I've ever laughed as much as I have in the past couple of years - having teenaged children in the home is wonderful - well, apart from their frequent aberrations that come and go during these years. They do better when they're all together because the older ones remember what a pain they were at the same stage their younger brothers & sisters are going through and say so.

Longevity - keeping the momentum going, not short changing the youngest children  because you've lost steam after homeschooling all the others, using time wisely now there are no babies & toddlers, encouraging younger mothers as they start out, keeping my own enthusiasm for learning...these are things I think about and work on.

There is no sadder sight in life than a mother, who has so used herself up in her children's childhood, that she has nothing to give them in their youth. (Parents Review)

Other thoughts:

It's harder to homeschool boys than girls. Especially boys around the ages of 15 and up, and more especially if you have a few of them.

They need lots of physical exertion but they also need to be challenged mentally - even if they aren't heading towards a university degree.

A part time job can be good especially if they are working with adults and not other teenage boys.

 There is no education but self-education 

and only as the young student works with his own mind 

is anything effected.   

Charlotte Mason